This correspondence with eMachines/Gateway customer service gave me a chance to stretch out as a writer. Something about being an anonymous "consumer" (their term) gave me license to fly with whatever rhetorical skill and sarcasm I could muster!

By way of back story: I sent in the paperwork--complete and double-checked--to claim a $50 rebate on our new monitor, an in-store floor model. After a month I received notice that the claim was rejected because 1. the serial number was missing (which it wasn't); 2. the product UPC code was missing (which it wasn't); and 3. the rebate form was missing (which it obviously wasn't, since that's what I sent in to make the claim that they're rejecting!).

I appealed by phone and was told there was no way for them to re-check the papers I'd sent in. My best bet, they said, would be to fax in my monitor's serial number and copy of the UPC code along with other vital stats. Did this. Here's the e-mail correspondence that followed....

 

From Gloria L 9768
Wednesday, July 18, 2007 9:15 PM

Dear eMachines Consumer:

Thank you for submitting copies of your rebate submission documentation via fax.  We regret to inform you that the documentation you provided was either insufficient or incorrect due to a copy of the upc code was not submitted.

Although we are not able to process your rebate request for submission number 888XX680 at this point in time, we may still be able to resubmit your request for processing if you are able to provide copies of the needed information.  If you have retained a copy of your upc code from the original package, you may re-fax them to the number at the end of this email.

If you wish, you can also send your documents via email as an attachment only.  Acceptable forms of attachments include .jpg, .gif, .pdf.  Unfortunately, we cannot accept documents that are embedded within your email.

Please include the following information with your fax or email:

- Complete name
- Complete address, including zip / postal code
- Item purchased
- Amount of rebate expected
- Daytime phone number
- Email address
- Department Number
- Submission Number
 
If you include your email address on the cover page of your fax we will inform you when your documents have been received and processed.  Your documents will be processed as quickly as possible however we ask that you please allow 5 business days to view the revised status of your rebate on our website.

Please feel free to contact us if you have any additional questions or concerns and we will be happy to assist you.  When responding, please be sure to include the past email and your submission number with your reply to prevent any delays in assisting you with your rebate request.

Thank you for contacting eMachines.

Customer Contact Center
Phone: 1-888-877-2750
Fax: 1-866-732-9406
http://gateway.rebatestatus.com
mailto:customer.service@cs.rebatestatus.com

 

I wrote back:

To: "Gloria L 9768" <customer.service@cs.rebatestatus.com>
Subject: Re: GATWY - Fax 6334972

>> Although we are not able to process your rebate request for submission number 888XX680 at this point in time, we may still be able to resubmit your request for processing if you are able to provide copies of the needed information.  If you have retained a copy of your upc code from the original package, you may re-fax them to the number at the end of this email. >>

Well, Gloria, here's the thing. As I wrote in my original rebate submission, which eMachines has somewhere, this was a floor model monitor and thus had no 'original package' for me to use. I did sent a UPC which was on the store printout, which the store told me would suffice. You have that somewhere, too.
 
My experience with contacting customer support by phone does not support your claim that you will be 'happy to assist me.' When I finally reached a live human she told me that whatever paperwork I'd originally sent in was now 'filed away somewhere and no one can get to it.' Out of courtesy I held back from suggesting that a filing system no one can get to might be replaced, for the sake of efficiency, by a large wastebasket.
 
I have nothing left to send you to document my claim. I sent it all the first time, checked and double checked against the little checklist you provide on the rebate slip--serial number, UPC, sales slip, and of course the rebate slip itself. It all resides now in your one-way filing system that 'no one can get to.' It appears that you will get to keep your $50 rebate offer because I can't continue to track down pieces of documentation which I sent to eMachines in the first place.
 
Fred Otto
2349 Payne St.
Louisville, KY 40206
 
p.s.  I apologize for the snide tone of this message. It feels good to write it, and it's not meant to be hurtful to you personally.

 

Now their turn:

From Tania N 9180
Thursday, July 19, 2007 6:54 PM
Dear eMachines Consumer:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding the status of your rebate.  We regret to inform you that our records indicate you are not eligible for this rebate because:

* We did not receive a serial number with your request.
* We did not receive a rebate certificate with your request.
* We did not receive an original UPC symbol or proof-of-purchase tab with your request

Although we are not able to process your rebate for submission number 888XX680 at this point in time, we may be able to resubmit your request for processing if you are able to provide copies of your submission information.  If you have retained a copy of your UPC from the product packaging, and the serial number from the back of the monitor, you may fax them to the number at the end of this email, or mail them to us at:

Mailing address:
Canada:

Customer Service Department                        
PO Box 979
Fonthill, ON L0S 1E0
 

USA:

Customer Service Department
PO Box 52901
Phoenix, AZ 85072

If you wish, you can also send your documents via email as an attachment only.  Acceptable forms of attachments include .jpg, .gif, .pdf.  Unfortunately, we cannot accept documents that are embedded within your email.

Please include the following information with your fax, mail or email:

- Email address
- Complete name
- Complete address, including zip / postal code
- Item purchased
- Amount of rebate expected
- Daytime phone number
- Department number
- Submission Number

If you include your email address on the cover page of your fax we will inform you when your documents have been received and processed.  Your documents will be processed as quickly as possible however we ask that you please allow 5 business days to view the revised status of your rebate on our website.

Please feel free to contact us if you have any additional questions or concerns and we will be happy to assist you.  When responding, please be sure to include the past email and your submission number with your reply to prevent any delays in assisting you with your request.

Thank you for contacting eMachines.

Customer Contact Center
Phone: 1-888-877-2750
Fax: 1-866-732-9406
http://gateway.rebatestatus.com
mailto:customer.service@cs.rebatestatus.com

To which I wrote, with some irritation:

Subject: Re: rebate status 6365402

Hello Tania,
Thanks for contacting me by e-mail so promptly after my last message. I look forward to dealing with you, although I felt a similar connection with Gloria L 9768 which she evidently did not share. I hope I did not upset her with the tone of my note; I'll strive to be more tactful here in case I have given offense.
 
From your carefully typed message I deduce that you work closely with Gloria L 9768 and admire her approach. How do I know? I know from the faithfulness with which you imitate her writing style--each phrase, down to the very letter, lovingly reproduced. Your sending an exact duplicate of her message, with absolutely no reference to anything I wrote in my reply to her, suggests a bond, a commonality of purpose, a unified front that proclaims (in so many words), Customer, trouble yourself not with vain attempts to divide us, for we at eMachines act, think, and write as one!
 
Your unified approach is instructive as well as admirable. Without your steadfastness, I would still be laboring under the misapprehension that my personal circumstance mattered, that someone there might care enough to investigate it, and that my efforts to claim the $50 rebate offered might meet with success. Thank you, Tania N 9180, for dispelling my illusions.
 
Fred

 

Which prompted this reply:

From Adam G 9567
Monday, July 23, 2007 9:19 PM
Dear eMachines Consumer:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding the status of your rebate.  Our records indicate your rebate for Submission Number 888XX680 was denied because your submission did not comply with the terms and conditions listed on your rebate form. Unfortunately, if you cannot provide copies of your UPC barcode and monitor serial number, we are not able to assist you further with this rebate request.
 
Thank you for contacting eMachines.

Customer Contact Center
Phone: 1-888-877-2750
Fax: 1-866-732-9406
http://gateway.rebatestatus.com
mailto:customer.service@cs.rebatestatus.com

 

Bringing us to my final message in a bottle:

Dear Mr. G 9567,
 
I will step back from the informality which prompted me to address your co-workers, Gloria 9768 and Tania 9180, by their first names. I am certain that it was my lack of respect, my assumption of first-name intimacy, that caused my dealings with them to be so brief and led to my being handed down the line at eMachines Customer Support like a chunk of bread at a soup kitchen. Please offer your colleagues my apologies for this breach of propriety.
 
I'd like to thank you for your message, which branched out in form and style from the previous ones (included below with my sad history). As I wrote to Gloria 9768, however, I feel unworthy of the continued attention because, having submitted the barcode and the serial number both in my original mailing and in my subsequent fax, I feel bereft of further resources. I would feel like a poor "consumer" (as you so respectfully address me) indeed if I allowed you and your teammates to spin these masterpieces of business rhetoric without giving back to the relationship, and so, out of fairness to you, I will take my leave. Adieu!
 
Yours,
 
"eMachines Consumer" (formerly known as Frederick Otto)
 
p.s. I am sending copies of this correspondence to Gateway Executive Management, as they may wish to celebrate the company's victory in the battle for a $50 rebate. That $50 could buy quite a bit of pizza or maybe some cupcakes. My congratulations to you all!
 
 
And there it lies. I've been hoping for some sign of affection in return, some indication we can still be friends, but nothing yet. Not like that BellSouth company. I broke off with them over a year ago and they're still begging and pining like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. In fact, they're a little creepy...but that's another story!

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All I can say is, Yikes!!

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Apparently the mac & cheese brings 'em in, and breaks their hearts when it's gone!

It's a strange title for this podcast, but if you sing it like a three-year-old it makes more sense.

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